Change your thoughts and you change your world

3rd February 2012

Post with 5 notes

Current thoughts on masculinity…

Masculinity is almost an unspoken yet forceful entity in our culture.  Lately, I’ve been struggling with internalized perceptions of masculinity, and roles I’ve put on myself.  Not because I wanted to, but because I’ve felt like I had to.

A series of personal happenings have forced me to consider male expectation in ways I’d never been forced to.  When first coming out, I explored my masculinity, like any transman does, and ultimately found that traditional masculinity as the 2000’s describe it doesn’t fall in line with my personal masculinity.  I am short, I’m not terribly built and muscular, I am a feminist, I enjoy cooking, I’m studying to be a therapist.  All of which are non-traditional masculine things about myself. 

Different contexts present different expectations of masculinity — being single, being in a relationship, cohabitation, getting married, having children, etc.  In the face of new expectations, I have to test the waters of what works for me and my masculinity, and what doesn’t work.  Lately, I’ve caught myself existing in a way that doesn’t align with the masculinity that is comfortable for me, but rather the masculinity that’s expected of me, and this dissonance has been causing internal confusion and a lack of sense of self.

I’m incredibly fed up with masculinity as society defines it in the present time of 2012.  I transitioned to feel more comfortable with myself and today’s male expectations are not comfortable for me.  I have my own definition of masculinity and maleness that I wish society at large respected and appreciated as being “enough” to be a man.  My masculinity and maleness leaves me with a sense of inadequacy compared to what’s expected of me by society.  Quite frankly, the feelings of inadequacy may be entirely created in my head.  
I don’t feel direct or even indirect pressures from my inner circle to be masculine in a particular way.  In other words, I do not experience any overt negative feedback for my masculinity, yet, I have an overwhelming sense of inadequacy as a man.  I feel as though this feeling is operating just as our culture has designed, similar to other self-loathing phenomena.  We may be surrounded by accepting and supportive individuals in our inner circle, yet, the feelings of inadequacy persist.  It’s a practically unspoken yet powerful entity that exists outside of me.

I need more conversations on different expressions of masculinity, and to be reassured that though masculinity can exist differently, one representation of masculinity is not superior to another.  I wish a place existed where myself and other like-minded gender enthusiasts could just retreat to for a short while when we get fed up with the rest of the world’s fucking gender shit.  Sorry for the profanity, I’m have an internal temper tantrum about male expectation.

I just had a wonderful, stimulating conversation with a colleague about gender and masculinity, which is what sparked this gem.